Tuesday, March 27, 2012


(Thanks George Takei!)

Farewell Back-sleeping! My Hips Shall Miss You.

Well, it's finally happened. And, I suppose we're right on schedule. My uterus has reached a size that is heavy enough to press down on the vena cava when I'm laying on my back...Damn! Just this morning I was hoping that somehow, magically, I would never have to give up back-sleeping.

I blame yoga.

Today I finally started going to prenatal yoga. I think it must have jostled the little tyke loose from some corner it got smooshed into while I was stomach sleeping (this is how I imagine it, at least...). I came home from class, had some queso and gelato lunch, and laid down on the couch to briefly watch some Star Trek: TNG before hitting the ever-piling housework.

Fast-forward 4 hours:
I wake up and seemingly random parts of my body are totally numb, despite being in perfectly normal positions, and I feel an odd dizzy fog, to which my first fully conscious response is, "Oh no! I've been abducted!"

I feel like it's too early to be having such dramatic physical responses to a little vascular challenge...but, I am blessed/cursed with a freakish awareness of the minutiae of my physical experience.

I guess it's time to settle on a preggy pillow.

(15 weeks, 5 days pregnant)

Monday, March 26, 2012

2 Major Pet-Peeves

1) When people refer to a baby's gender when they obviously mean sex.

Sex = male/female...this is chromosome based. When you encounter someone with a baby bump, and you want to know what kind of genitals their baby has, you are wondering about the baby's sex. When someone of the gestational persuasion heads to a 20 week sonogram in hopes of finding out what colors to paint the nursery...the sonogram shows sex.

Gender = the cultural expression of femininity/masculinity. Pink bows, cupcake onesies, princess shit...these are typical symbols of feminine gendering. Baseball onesies, army men, blue dinosaur decor...these are typical symbols of masculine gendering. Parents impose gender on their infants, and slowly, over the course of the next few years, kids start to drive their own gender expression. It has nothing to do with their in-womb status.

2) Inaccurate animal groupings.

Recently, I was perusing the bedding section at a baby store. There was a crib set with matching mobile that was all woodland creatures (owls, deer, hedgehogs, etc.)...plus a FUCKING GIRAFFE.

I get that Sophie the Giraffe is a big deal, but that doesn't mean it's ok to stick an animal that predominantly lives in grasslands--ONLY on the African continent--into any ol' mix. I was so outraged, I had to tell the sales associate how terrible this was. She was, understandably, not sure what to do with me.

It would have been fine if they were animals all from different environments...let's say a dolphin, a python, a penguin, and a horse. But to have a group that is cohesive except for ONE. Totally not ok.

One of these things is not like the others...and it makes my skin crawl!

Mom Groups: questioning my resistance

...I don't know what to do about this issue.

I know I should be actively trying to make mom friends since I'm the first of my local friends to procreate, and socializing is going to change even more than it already has in the last few months. Not to mention, TBD is going to need friends early on. But, I find myself resisting. I'm not totally sure what it is.

Perhaps it's that I'm not super into kids in general? I'm excited about my own, and a few I've encountered through the years...but I don't really see the inherent magic of all kids. I find many of them simply annoying as fuck. And parents of children who can't control themselves...I become the judgement monster!

Is this just an opportunity to confront some of my judgement-as-defense-mechanism?

Do I just need to jump in with both feet and hope I can control my tendency towards a decidedly NOT politically correct sense of humor?

Am I just imagining that these groups are filled with Sesame Street characters who gush when they see infants, and in fact they are filled with brainy and irreverent types who don't see motherhood as the ultimate achievement in a woman's life?

Is this just one more step in trying to readjust my understanding of my changing identity, and I need to just do it?

Seeking: super nerdy, super liberal, super creative parents who make fun of babies and don't want parenthood to be the only achievement of their life.

Sunday, March 25, 2012

A NerdMom Fantasy

I walk in on my 3 or 4 year old parsing jellybeans or buttons by color (how very Montessori). After they're all separated, this kid pours all the dark ones into one bowl, all the lighter ones into another bowl.

"Look! A binary!"

"Yup, this is true," I cheerfully respond...of course not over-praising so as to encourage taking the idea further. (Because obviously in this fantasy world I am magically always able to draw out a sense of supportedness and curiosity in my offspring.)

Then both bowls get poured onto the work table, joyfully mixed around, and I hear a tiny voice sing-song out, "Dark is light and light is dark! Free play of signifiers dance!"

We then prance around the room together improvising a song about deconstruction.

(Aaaaand scene!)

Friday, March 23, 2012

Cravings: Dear Los Angeles, California

I lived in L.A. for 2 years while in grad school. A lot of the cravings I've had have been little anchors drawing me to places I've lived before.

I should clarify:
When I say "cravings", this doesn't necessarily mean the blinding desires I think most people imagine with pregnancy. I generally don't want food at all. In pregnancy, I feel inconvenienced by eating (and every 2 to 3 hours, at that!) So for me, cravings are more about simply wanting something specific instead of nothing at all.

But recently, I've been starting to experience something closer to real cravings...and they're all focused on food I loved in L.A. Here are the champions:

Canter's Deli--Pastrami on fresh, moist rye with nothing but a schmear of spicy mustard, accompanied by an egg cream (of course).

Chin Chin
--all things potstickers, especially the pan-fried ones (omfg yes!). Seriously, an ORGY of potstickers. And crab rangoon, which I like to call cheesey poofs.

and la piece de resistance...
Killer Shrimp--holy mother of God! This place was closed for a couple of very dark years and has recently reopened. Killer Shrimp in broth. The only way to go. With an Arnold Palmer to temper the slow-building heat. I want to take that bowl (bucket) of french bread and sop up every last drop of that magic spicy seafood juice.

Earlier today I looked for cheap flights to do a weekend food trip...Yes, even when not pregnant I am the kind of woman who would happily cross 2 time zones for some meals. I think the husband would disapprove of such a trip at this time.

Someone, please bring me magic foods.

(15 weeks pregnant)

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Sigourney Weaver Is Coming for My Belly

It has recently come to my attention that, up until this point in life, I've only thought of unborn babies in 2 sizes: abortion sized and about-to-be-born sized.
(my apologies to all the people out there who can't handle the idea of abortion.)

And then I checked out TBD's current size on the What to Expect app--yeah, we call the tiny TBD for the moment--as I like to do every few weeks, and I realized that this kid is half an inch LONGER than my iPhone.

Enter: sudden queasiness.

On one hand, it's a relief to know that TBD is becoming a more viable size, like a real person. There's a certain sense of accomplishment to this.

On the other hand, I keep hearing the voice-over from that early 90s Aliens action figure commercial. Kinda unsettling. After a few days, I've become comfortable--even happy--with the idea that my uterus has ballooned to the size of a football, and shoved my internal organs out of the way on its climb to the top. The weird muscle stretching feeling in my abdomen, the growing itchy skin feeling...it is definitely NOT an extraterrestrial trying to burst unnaturally through my abdominal wall.

(14 weeks pregnant)

Saturday, March 10, 2012

Things I (way too) Regularly Consider

*When I am alone, I am never actually alone.

*There is double everything in my body right now (heartbeat, spinal column, tongue, middle fingers).

*If I hold my breath to get rid of hiccups...what is that like for TBD?

*Omg the kid swallows its own pee.

*Will the sound of a vibrator be terrifying for the kid? Like a giant lawn mower coming to eat it?

*Are other mammals aware of the fact that they're carrying their young in their bodies? Dolphins perhaps? Do they think dolphin thoughts about how weird this reality is?

*What if TBD is born a unicorn or a garden gnome? How could I hide it from evil government scientists who would obviously want to steal and study my baby?

*Where does one acquire those pointy gnome hats?

*Why are there so few episodes of David the Gnome?!