Thoughts during 1st Breakfast, Friday

Canberra Times

1. I seem to be doing something intense with my jaw during unconscious times.

2. I was thinking about what a train wreck I was during my first semester of college, at Sarah Lawrence, and I experienced a new kind of pain thinking about my kids having to go through that. Difficult and inevitable to a certain extent. But, I do think there is something very valuable in being able to look back at a past version of yourself and say, "Holy shit, what the fuck happened there?!"

3. ...I'm still entertained by "Walter Benjamin Weisfeld", and it's really not that funny.

4. After--what is essentially--a 9-month harsh hangover, social isolation, constant fight against the forces of thirst and malnutrition...essentially a 9-month spiritual war of attrition...my 25 years of intense birthing anxiety are over.  I'm slightly nervous about a few discomforts, but fuck it.
As I keep saying, that's the only way I can go back to being NOT PREGNANT.
*ahem*

5. I'm officially making it a life goal to someday have a room hidden behind a bookshelf. Going forward, I shall refer to it as my lair.


(39 weeks, 2 days pregnant...6 days 'til due date)

38 Week OB Appointment

So, the blood pressure was up today for the first time:  138/90.

The midwife is running some blood and urine tests to check if I'm developing preeclampsia.  If I am, we might need to think about inducing at 39 weeks (which is Sept 6...or 9 days from now).

Test should be back by beginning of next week.  Hopefully it is nothing.

                                                                          cdc.gov/bloodpressure/about.htm
(37 weeks, 5 days pregnant)

UPDATE: no preeclampsia, after all.

Day 211 of Vomiting

[WARNING: there are like 4 different things in this short post that could leave you uneasy, not excluding a face in a placenta, and my cervix. Whoops! Well, there; you've been warned.]


...and we are on day 234 of the year. That's 90% of 2012, so far.


I worry my gag reflex is going to be permanently changed after this journey through the dark jungles of pregnancy-long morning sickness. (Insert jokes here.)  I feel like I should be reading some Sartre, but I think it could be psychically bad for the baby...and probably me.

I watched some videos of people on ayahuasca. They were comforting. From now on, I'm going to pretend that I'm knocking on the door of the spirit realms when I'm hunched over not keeping my food and drink.  Each puking session could be an opportunity to encounter my true Buddha nature within...? When I see the sparklies floating in my field of vision, I'm just going to tell myself that I'm reaching towards sacredness.

Ok, all this lemons-to-lemonade is making me nauseous now.

As of Thursday, the kid should be baked enough to be a fine human being on his own. We've made it this far.  I can do anything for 1 to 4 weeks.  May the spirit of earlyish babies in my family run strong in me!

As of last Thursday: 
1 cm dilated
50% effaced
baby is locked and loaded in the head-down position.

Hopefully his face's love affair with the placenta is still raging strong, and he'll come out face down as he should.  (Srsly, every ultrasound he hides his face in that thing. I think of them as being besties.)


(36 weeks, 5 days pregnant)

Avoiding Brie Is Dumb

Obviously I'm not a doctor, but...

I'm really annoyed by all the alarmist crap around food and pregnancy in this country.  I seriously doubt that eating brie, salumi, , bloody steak, or even having the very occasional glass of wine is going to make my baby deformed or lacking in intelligence. Especially after the more fragile 1st trimester. Even some well-chosen sushi from a highly reputable place is fine in my mind (say no to mercury, though; heavy metals are for real, ya'll.)  Is it because we're a culture that doesn't really value moderation?

NOBODY should eat salumi twice a day. C'mon guys...

There are plenty of things to worry about in parenting. Stressing because you desperately want some brie, and you're not supposed to have it, seems like a ridiculous waste of energy. The stress is probably worse for the baby. Bacteria is everywhere; you could cut your hand and touch an infected doorknob and get a crazy infection. That doesn't mean wear gloves all the time.

Just don't buy sketchy food products. As long as I'm educated about what and how much I consume, I think it should be fine. Soft cheeses, here I come!

                                                   http://www.hgtv.com/entertaining/biltmore-estates-nut-crusted-brie-with-cherry-chutney/index.html

In Utero Training

This kid is totally gonna come out singing the West Wing theme song as a result of my compulsive DVD playing.

What can I say? President Bartlet soothes me.

(...Really what I should hope for is a kid with an innate sense of Sorkin-esque dialogue. I can see it now: "When you say 'lunch', I think we're envisioning two different things, Mom. Here, walk with me...")

Preschools: Get 'em while they're young!

I'm told I need to be getting on preschool waiting lists NOW. Let's be clear: I am 4.5 months pregnant and live in Austin, Texas. I naively thought that mad dashes for preschool spots only existed in the largest cities like New York, Chicago, Los Angeles. Y'know, places where lots of people with too much money and too many

anxieties tend to congregate. It seems, Austin is one of these places now? Is it that there are too few awesome preschools in this lovely river city? Is it that Austin is somehow plagued by inert contraceptive pills? Is it just that all of America has been taken over by the culture of starting the road to Harvard at 18 months of age? ...I certainly hope not.

Don't get me wrong; I'm a teacher and obviously very pro-education of all sorts. Get 'em while they're young! But my fetus is barely old enough to reveal its genitals to the looming eye of a sonogram, and starting the preschool schmooze-fest seems a little silly at this point.

But, if these are the rules of the game, I shall abide by them.

I've made an impressive spreadsheet (if I do say so myself) of all the preschools in Austin which may be a good fit for our family...Montessori heavy, of course a lot of language immersion options. I've included a column in the sheet for comments on ethnic/cultural diversity info since I think the battle against a lily-white landscape must begin early. There is also a column that holds information on what age ranges they work with, in case we want to continue on at the school into elementary.

Honestly, my interest in preschool isn't focused on trying to gain an edge on academics--I could lead that process at home quite nicely--it's really about

socialization. Beyond the tasks of making friends and sharing toys, I think the lessons of tolerance, patience, self-reliance, cooperation, compassion, and living in harmony with our environment need to start as early as possible. And, I think many of these lessons are learned best when a child is working within a larger community of children.

(18 weeks pregnant)

The Cat Issue

We have a cat named Baby Starbuck (no S at the end, a la the Battlestar Galactica character, not the ubiquitous caffeine pusher.)

It took two years of a campaign I called Smitten with Kittens to convince Husband to consent to a cat...I mean I REALLY, REALLY wanted a cat for a long time. And finally when we moved back to Austin in September, I got this teenage kitty who had wandered in from the wild one day to adopt my father-in-law.

Baby Starbuck is gorgeous, on the smaller side, and has the softest short hair coat I've ever felt on a cat. She sits and lounges regally. She has bat-like ears...all meaning, her appearance begs you to cuddle with her.

But appearances can certainly be deceiving; her personality fits her name.

She isn't exactly adult-friendly, let alone baby-friendly. She bites and attacks...A LOT. She turns on you quickly. She is a vengeful kitty who pees on personal items (blankets, pillows) if you exclude her, or if you don't keep her litter box OCD clean. She wants to always have you in sight, but she doesn't want you to actually pet her or look at her too much.

After 7 months of trying to assert my dominance, I have accepted that I am not the alpha kitty in this house. I am Baby Starbuck's bitch. But I just love her so much!! ...Did I mention she has to have special prescription cat food because she has delicate kidneys?

Obviously we can't keep her once we have a new baby. It would be disastrous for TBD! Starbuck would institute daily slash and pee sessions. I'd walk away for one second and have to run back quickly to find a bloody infant doused in hateful cat piss. No ma'am.

Really, she needs to be an outdoor cat, preferably outdoors in a place where she can stalk and viciously kill a wide variety of prey. We're talking some crazy hunting instincts in this kitty. Maybe a barn cat is her highest potential.

This reality breaks my heart.

Farewell Back-sleeping! My Hips Shall Miss You.

Well, it's finally happened. And, I suppose we're right on schedule. My uterus has reached a size that is heavy enough to press down on the vena cava when I'm laying on my back...Damn! Just this morning I was hoping that somehow, magically, I would never have to give up back-sleeping.

I blame yoga.

Today I finally started going to prenatal yoga. I think it must have jostled the little tyke loose from some corner it got smooshed into while I was stomach sleeping (this is how I imagine it, at least...). I came home from class, had some queso and gelato lunch, and laid down on the couch to briefly watch some Star Trek: TNG before hitting the ever-piling housework.

Fast-forward 4 hours:
I wake up and seemingly random parts of my body are totally numb, despite being in perfectly normal positions, and I feel an odd dizzy fog, to which my first fully conscious response is, "Oh no! I've been abducted!"

I feel like it's too early to be having such dramatic physical responses to a little vascular challenge...but, I am blessed/cursed with a freakish awareness of the minutiae of my physical experience.

I guess it's time to settle on a preggy pillow.

(15 weeks, 5 days pregnant)

Cravings: Dear Los Angeles, California

I lived in L.A. for 2 years while in grad school. A lot of the cravings I've had have been little anchors drawing me to places I've lived before.

I should clarify:
When I say "cravings", this doesn't necessarily mean the blinding desires I think most people imagine with pregnancy. I generally don't want food at all. In pregnancy, I feel inconvenienced by eating (and every 2 to 3 hours, at that!) So for me, cravings are more about simply wanting something specific instead of nothing at all.

But recently, I've been starting to experience something closer to real cravings...and they're all focused on food I loved in L.A. Here are the champions:

Canter's Deli--Pastrami on fresh, moist rye with nothing but a schmear of spicy mustard, accompanied by an egg cream (of course).


Chin Chin--all things potstickers, especially the pan-fried ones (omfg yes!). Seriously, an ORGY of potstickers. And crab rangoon, which I like to call cheesey poofs.

and la piece de resistance...
Killer Shrimp--holy mother of God! This place was closed for a couple of very dark years and has recently reopened. Killer Shrimp in broth. The only way to go. With an Arnold Palmer to temper the slow-building heat. I want to take that bowl (bucket) of french bread and sop up every last drop of that magic spicy seafood juice.

Earlier today I looked for cheap flights to do a weekend food trip...Yes, even when not pregnant I am the kind of woman who would happily cross 2 time zones for some meals. I think the husband would disapprove of such a trip at this time.

Someone, please bring me magic foods.

(15 weeks pregnant)

Things I (way too) Regularly Consider

*When I am alone, I am never actually alone.

*There is double everything in my body right now (heartbeat, spinal column, tongue, middle fingers).

*If I hold my breath to get rid of hiccups...what is that like for TBD?

*Omg the kid swallows its own pee.

*Will the sound of a vibrator be terrifying for the kid? Like a giant lawn mower coming to eat it?

*Are other mammals aware of the fact that they're carrying their young in their bodies? Dolphins perhaps? Do they think dolphin thoughts about how weird this reality is?

*What if TBD is born a unicorn or a garden gnome? How could I hide it from evil government scientists who would obviously want to steal and study my baby?

*Where does one acquire those pointy gnome hats?

*Why are there so few episodes of David the Gnome?!

Things I Called My Mom While Growing Up

I have a tendency towards nicknames.

I probably have 10 I semi-regularly use for the husband--we won't get into those right now, but I assure you that he hates half of them.

Growing up, I had several for my mother too. I find myself thinking about a couple quite a bit:
Dear Maternal Unit
Oh Great Vaginal One (as in, the one whose vagina I sprang from)

Obviously my mother had a great tolerance of (and even humor about) my persistent quirkiness. They were said with respect; I was never being a little bitch about it. They were just a little androidy.

I hope that when my kid starts flirting with the intersection of identity, science, and language, I will be just as awesome as my mom was.

Notes from the Bathroom Floor

To all the moms who say things like:

"Pregnancy is so great; I loooove being pregnant."

"God, I miss being pregnant!"

"Seriously, pregnancy is one of the best times of a woman's life! Trust me, you'll love it!"

...to all those moms, I want to puke in your fraking faces right now. What pregnancy grass are you smoking, and where does one acquire it ASAP?

right now, THIS BLOWS.

(8 weeks pregnant)